the seamy underside of Dallas nightlife
to Flash, where honesty is always the best policy - unless you’re
talking to your chiquita about your sexual history.
Then honesty is stupidity.
Or suicide. Or
Must Be That New Math
you ever been dancing the midnight mambo with your chiquita and
it’s going so well you just know you would have kicked John Travolta’s
ass in Saturday Night Fever?
You even pull off that new move you’ve been saving up and send
your chiquita to the moon.
The Flying Wallendas would be proud.
And the ceiling fan is still working.
glowing. You’re feeling
pretty good about yourself. Everything’s perfect.
And then she starts to talk.
That was nice.”
nod and grunt a little. You don’t want to brag.
must have done that before.”
don’t answer. Not
because alarm bells are going off like they should be, but because
you’re 30 seconds away from going from a Flying Wallenda to a
how many times have you done it?”
you’re awake. You
think, did I hear her right?
not how many times have you done THAT.
How many times have you done IT?
With different girls?”
heard her right. You
think about trying to pretend you’re asleep, but she sees you
close your eyes.
caught. How did you
go from falling asleep to falling in a trap?
What do you do?
to Flash. LIE!
don’t care if you’re always honest with her.
I don’t care if you’re in a relationship.
Answering questions like this is why relationships end.
you definitely don’t want to say the number you tell your buddies
in the locker room. They
may be impressed. She
won’t be. It will
just insure that she no longer adds to your total.
Besides, we all know the number you tell your friends includes:
Every chiquita you’ve had sex with.
Every chiquita you think you could have had sex but didn’t.
(I’m sorry. I
didn’t mean to pass out on you.
Aren’t you a morning person?)
Every chiquita who went south of the border.
The time your girlfriend left her Victoria’s Secret catalog
at your place.
despite the temptation, do not answer with too low a number.
Doing so risks her thinking “what am I doing with him if
only that many girls wanted to be with him?"
Or even worse, she’ll wonder if any issues you may have
in the bedroom are because you’re just getting used to each other
or because you just don’t know what the hell you’re doing.
what do you tell her? Follow
Flash’s Frolic Formula for the answer.
1: Take your age
and subtract 16. (This
gives you the approximate number of years you’ve been sexually
active. If you weren’t
sexually active by time you were 16 - 17, you should have been
you loser so use it. If
you were sexually active at 13, good for you, but cousins don’t
count so still use 16.)
2: Subtract the number
of years you’ve had girlfriends.
(This takes out the number of years you were supposedly
off the market. I
know that never stopped you but she doesn’t need to know that.)
3: Multiply the result
by 2. (She can’t
blame you for hooking up a couple times a year, can she?
The fact that it’s a couple times a month you can keep
4: Add the number
of girlfriends you’ve had.
(Even the psycho ones, as much as you’d like to forget
if you’re 28 years old with 5 girlfriends for 3 years, you’d tell
her 23. (28 – 16
= 12. 12 – 3 = 9.
9 X 2 = 18. 18
+ 5 = 23. The fact
that it’s 23 since the millennium she doesn’t need to know or
want to know.)
course, the good news about her asking you is that you get to
ask her. The bad
news? You get to
ask her. After all,
do you really want to know how many people she’s bumped uglies
since on Planet Dallas you probably know them all?
if she asked you, you might as well ask her.
Because, don’t worry, she’s going to lie too.
She’s not going to count:
The 5 guys she’s been with in Cancun (vacation sex doesn’t
count, especially when it’s out of the country.)
The 45 runs to the border she’s made on guys (rent Clerks
for a hilarious scene on this topic.)
The 6 one-night stands she’s had (it doesn’t count if she
didn’t care about them.)
The numerous times the sex was bad (if she didn’t, why
should it count on her total just because he did.)
The 3 experiments with sorority sisters in college.
The time she slept with your best friend (what you don’t
know can’t hurt you and you were technically broken up then anyway.)
she’s all done subtracting these from her list, she’s still not
going to tell you the number.
Instead, she’s going to divide the result by whatever number
is necessary to get her between 4 and 8.
that number? Because
she’s afraid double digits make her sound like a slut.
(Going down on half of Zubar doesn’t, but admitting double
digits might.) So
even if you know 10 people who’ve been with her (which is probable
on Planet Dallas), she’s still going to tell you that you are
number 4 to 8 on her list.
not 9? Because she’s
a chick and 9 is way too close for comfort.
Remember this is the girl that freaked out on her 29th
birthday because the pressure of 30 was just too much.
always, the views expressed here don’t necessarily reflect the
views of anyone else on the planet, much less Us Exposed.