Exposing the seamy underside of Dallas nightlife
The Surgeon General has determined that living on Planet Dallas
can be hazardous to your health. Prolonged
exposure has been proven to cause stunted emotional growth,
superficiality, and alcoholism in laboratory animals, chiquitas and
Flu in the Cuckooís Nest
Thereís a virus spreading
rapidly through Planet Dallas. And
no, Iím not talking about the one thatís supposedly a sore (or many
sores) subject for a certain tattooed former basketball player.
And I donít mean the Booze Flu, that common malady that always
seems to strike on Thursday night and keeps you from going to work on
Iím not talking about the many
computer viruses that have been making the e-mail rounds lately (proving
that some people will open any file on the slim chance it might be
porn.) And I donít mean
the real flu, which while a pain in the ass, is at least a good excuse
to miss a few days of work.
No, Iím talking about a much
more dangerous disease: a bug that infects your mind and affects your
senses. It is the View Flu, an insidious sickness that slowly warps
your view of reality until it has completely eroded your sense of morals
How does the disease work? Scientists arenít sure but early research indicates that
the virus spreads slowly through the brain, altering your perception of
reality until it finally seems perfectly normal to see forty five year
old men with girls who still canít get into Zubar without a fake ID.
one is sure yet how the virus spreads but suspicions are that it is
airborne since it spreads so widely and quickly.
In fact, according to the Center for Disease Control, anyone
within thirty miles of Go Lounge is considered at risk.
How can you tell if youíve been
infected by this hideous disease? Well,
there are a numerous symptoms to watch out for.
Be concerned if you think more than one of the following is
Bleaching your hair a color only an albino could call natural.
Leasing a $40,000 Lexus despite not having any furniture in your
Feeling the urge to take off your clothes anytime you see a
twenty dollar bill.
Doing a bump of coke to sober up after a long drunken evening so
you can safely drive home.
Hoping to find the girl of your dreams at the Menís Club.
Implanting more CCs of saline than you scored on your SAT.
If youíre afraid youíve been
infected, there is unfortunately no cure.
But there are a couple things you can do to help mitigate the
effects of the disease. The
easiest thing is to move off Planet Dallas.
With time, distance, and years of therapy you will eventually
remember again that saline also comes in contact solution, Coke comes in
a can and zebra prints belong in a zoo.
But if you canít just pack up
and leave, there is another, though less effective, way to alleviate the
symptoms: quit hanging out at titty bars.
The concentrations of virus (as well as Velveeta and saline) are
so high there that itís impossible to get better.
Of course, if youíre happy
seeing Planet Dallas through rose-colored glasses Ė and given the
reality, who can blame you Ė then just take two tabs of X and call me
in the morning after whatever day it is that you actually sleep.
The views expressed here may have
been affected by a bout with the View Flu so I shouldnít be held
responsible for what Iíve said and neither should Us Exposed.