FLASH
Exposing the seamy underside of Dallas nightlife
You’ve heard of the saying, a
friend in need is a friend indeed.
Or as they say on Planet Dallas, a friend in need is why you have
Caller ID.
With
Friends Like These…
I ran into a good friend last
night on Greenville. His
name is… It’s a… Wait
a minute, I’ll remember it in a second. Well, maybe you know him.
He’s about six feet, short spiky messed up hair, lots of gel.
Actually, that probably doesn’t narrow it down very much.
Blonde highlights… Still
nothing, huh?
Well, regardless,
what’s-his-name is a good friend.
I know because he says hi to me every time I see him at Go.
And if he’s really wasted, he gives me a hug.
Once he even kissed me on the cheek, like Tony Soprano or
something. I’m assuming
it was the G.
I don’t know his phone number
either, though he’s always telling me to call him, we need to "go
hit it.” I don’t know where he’s from, but I assume it’s not
from Texas. No one’s
actually from Planet Dallas are they?
And he is always talking about his boys out in LA.
Or is it New York?
Now that I think about it, I know
a lot of John D’oh!s (apologies to Homer Simpson) on Planet D.
Kodak may have invented the disposable camera, but Planet Dallas
is home to the disposable friend. Just
like the camera you don’t mind taking them out on the town because
you don’t really care if you lose them.
So, how
can you tell if your bar buddy is a real friend or just 24 exposures
with flash? Well, if
you’re wondering, that’s probably not a good sign.
But, just to be sure, I’ve prepared a little take home quiz to
help you figure it out.
1)
You first met him:
A)
years ago in college.
B)
months ago when you were buying a drink and overheard him
bitching about his psycho ex and realized it was your psycho ex.
C)
weeks ago when you shared a bump in the bathroom at Seven.
2) When you’re both interested in the same chiquita, he:
A) tells her what a great guy you are.
B) conveniently slips a reference to your girlfriend into the
conversation.
C)
waits until you’re in the bathroom to tell her how really sad
it is you got the big H from your ex-girlfriend.
3) If you had money problems, he would:
A) lend you the money if he had it.
B) buy the drinks the next time you go out.
C) money from him? Hell,
he still owes you for that X last weekend.
4) If he ran into your girlfriend who was extremely drunk, he’d:
A) send her home safely in a cab and leave you a message about it
that night.
B)
let her keep drinking and watch her stumble home with some
Velveeta King. And tell you
about it the next day.
C) buy her shots and take her home himself.
And let you find out when you run into them out together.
5) If he was talking to some chiquita and saw some drunk Goliath
about to go medieval on your ass, he’d:
A)
leave her to help you out.
B) how big is Goliath again? You
can take him yourself, right? There’s
no need to leave the hottie, is there?
C) on second thought, it really doesn’t matter how big Goliath is,
because the chiquita is so hot, he’s not going anywhere.
Now
let’s add it up. Give
yourself one point for each question you answered with an A, two points
for each question you answered with a B, and three points for each
question you answered with a C. Total your score and see just what kind of friend you have.
1 to 5 points:
Yeah right. On
Planet Dallas? You’re
either in denial or a dumbshit. No
wonder you have no friends.
6 to 10 points:
Say hello to John D’oh! This
is as good as you can expect on Planet D.
And he probably just moved here.
Give him a few months to acclimate and then read the next
category.
11 to 15 points:
And
you thought this guy was your friend?
Sounds more like your drug dealer.
But don’t feel bad. Given
enough time on Planet Dallas, everyone ends up here, even you.
So, you can either move, or get used to playing Survivor III,
Planet Dallas style.
P.S.
As always, the views expressed
here are vicious, vile and vulgar, and don’t necessarily reflect the
views of anyone else on the planet, much less Us Exposed.
-
Flash -
flash@usexposed.com
