Exposing the seamy underside of D/FW nightlife
Welcome to the continuing saga of Flash, the column dedicated to exposing the seamy
underside of Dallas nightlife. Today we're giving helpful hints on how to survive in the
jungle of Dallas single life. And don't worry, no names. You know who you are.
The Breast of Dallas
If you've driven down Northwest Highway, read the Met or the Observer, or seen any of the
many billboards, you know that Dallas is home to a multitude of strip clubs. I'd count
them, but my calculator only shows eight digits. From skanky (too many to list - besides I
don't want to get sued) to swanky (The Men's Club), Dallas has enough silicone on high
heels to satisfy any appetite.
The super unleaded that fuels these cash machines is the strippers. Excuse me,
"dancers." Oh, I'm sorry, "entertainers." Anyway, given the infinite
number of clubs and the fact that each of them has a hundred plus
"entertainers", this can only mean one thing. I'm no math expert, but by my
calculations it means roughly 95% of all single Dallas women aged 21 to 30 are strippers.
You can check the math if you don't believe me.
Now, I know what you're saying. Flash, how do I know if the sweet little innocent girl
with breasts the size of grapefruit I met last week is a stripper? Well, if you have to
ask, she is. But for those that need a little more proof, I've prepared a little take home
quiz to help you figure it out. And remember, be honest.
1) The first time you met, she was wearing:
A) Some kind of animal print pants.
B) Some kind of animal print pants AND a different animal print purse.
C) Some guy's moustache as a bra.
2) Her first words to you were:
A) Do you want to buy me a drink?
B) Do you want a dance?
C) Do you have a bump?
3) On your first date, you:
A) Went to Village and danced with her shirtless gay friends.
B) Went to San Souci to look for an Ashley Judd lookalike.
C) Went out on Friday and woke up Sunday afternoon with a nosebleed and a pierced nipple.
4) The first time you had sex, she:
A) Wore six inch white heels that were two sizes too small.
B) Asked you to put another $20 on the dresser every time a new song came on.
C) Asked her girlfriend Brandi to join you while popping in the Best of Chasey Lain video.
5) Her ex-boyfriend is:
A) A DJ at a club. But don't worry, she's over him.
B) A 56-year-old married businessman who took her to Aruba. But don't worry, they had
C) Her drug dealer. But don't worry; she's done with all that.
Now let's add it up. Give yourself one point for each question you answered with an A, two
points for each question you answered with a B, and three points for each question you
answered with a C. Total your score and see how she rates on the Stripometer below.
0 Points: Congratulations, you have found the one girl in Dallas who isn't a stripper. Ask
her to marry you and move as far away from Dallas as soon as possible. Otherwise, sooner
or later they all give in to the temptation. (Though if the temptation she gives in to is
inviting her Ashley Judd lookalike girlfriend to join you, I say it's worth the risk.)
1 to 5 points: You're probably safe, though she used to dance. Maybe, if you're lucky, she
just waitressed at one of them. But be worried if she suddenly starts paying for dinner
with dollar bills or develops a permanent case of the sniffles.
6 to 10 points: There's a reason her breasts are not only the size of grapefruit; they're
just as hard. Those aren't breasts; they're a $5,000 business expense she took as a tax
deduction last year. So get ready to tell your mother you're dating a
"waitress." Trust me, she'd rather have you lie than hear the truth.
11 to 15 points: Unless you used to be in Motley Crue, get out now! Maybe Tommy Lee can
handle her, but not you. She's not just a stripper, she's Superstripper. She's going to
chew you up and spit you out. So run before you end up poor, pierced and pissed.
Just so you know that Flash is an equal opportunity jackass, in the next column I'll tell
you how to tell if your man is a Velveeta King.
As always, the views expressed here don't necessarily reflect the views of anyone else on
the planet, much less Us Exposed.
- Flash -